


Heterosexual Heaven

by Thanatoses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, National No Homo Day, Satire, also dean’s relationship with his car, look don’t hate me i’m not cis or straight i’m just also not coping, please guys this is a joke, rated for language I guess, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thanatoses/pseuds/Thanatoses
Summary: this is a joke fic i wrote this on my phone i haven’t cared about supernatural in years but you know i watched the finale just like everyone else so have some destiel, but not really, but kinda. basically dean goes to find cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	Heterosexual Heaven

Time worked differently when you were dead, Castiel realized. He’d lived several lifetimes at this point, as different species, even, but being dead was a considerably new experience. He reckoned he spent about 1,000 years in Super Mega Hell (which mostly considered of both Lucifer and God teaming up against him to yell “haha gay boy!”) 

Then, he was pulled from Turbo Hell by Jack (a/n idk who jack is.) and was charged to help him Make Heaven Great Again™️ for none other than Dean Winchester, Castiel’s homoerotic squeeze of choice. That took what he thought was probably about 2 years- haha suck it Donald Trump- but it would be another year before Dean would come.

Castiel later found out that Heaven and Hell liked to either Speedrun or slow things way down and in reality, it was only about 2 weeks humanity time that he was dead. But it was so long to Castiel already, and add on the fact that he was a flaming homosexual, the yearning made the wait longer. So when Castiel heard that Dean had finally arrived, he anxiously awaited for the hunter to track him down. 

~~~

Dean Winchester arrived in heaven with the second best thing to his brother- his car. He was dropped in a luxurious forest-y area and was invited in by Bobby to have a beer. A very heterosexual man drink, if you asked him. Which he was, obviously, because he was here, drinking his beer, with his beloved car, in heaven, and if he were not heterosexual he would obviously be with Castiel in Super Hell. 

Except then was informed that Castiel wasn’t in Super Hell at all anymore- he had been saved by Jack. That made Dean’s heart beat a little faster, a reaction that Dean wasn’t expecting and wasn’t sure the cause. He decided to turn the conversation to something that always made him feel better. 

“So,” Dean started, moving to crack open another Heterosexual™️ beer to have with the Heterosexual™️ conversation. “Boobs, huh? Those are cool.”

Bobby turned to look at him with almost disgusted confusion. “Uh, yeah, Dean. Sure. Boobs are cool.”

Ok retreat. That did not work out the way Dean thought it would. He was expecting some bro talk with his surrogate father Bobby. Clearly that wasn’t going to work, so Dean tried another, more neutral topic they could both agree on. “And exhaust pipes! Those are pretty sweet.”

Another quizzical look. “....Dean are you trying to tell me you’re attracted to exhaust pipes?”

“No!” Dean shouted quickly. Too quickly. 

There was a long pause. “Boy, did you fuck your exhaust pipe?” 

And that was enough. Dean shot up from his seat and downed his beer. “Well, it was great seeing you Bobby, but I should really go find Cas. He’s here right? You said he was here. Anyway, bye now. 

He practically sprinted to his car.

~~~

Dean did what he knew how to best in these times. He drove. He found peace in his car, really the only time he’d ever experienced it in his life. And yeah, sure, maybe he’d fucked his exhaust pipe once or twice but honestly, what was he supposed to do when his angel best friend made him, a Heterosexual™️, experience not so Heterosexual™️ thoughts? Especially when he couldn’t find a woman to use like he’d done for the past 15 years.

So he drove. And drove. And drove.

Eventually, he came to a bridge, and at the end of the bridge was a trench-coated figure. 

Cas. 

Dean cut the engine and got out slowly, preparing his nerves by petting the hood of his Impala. He took a deep breath and started towards the angel. He thought he maybe understood the phrase on step at a time now. 

Once he was close enough, the angel heard his footsteps and turned to look at the figure approaching. He had paused for a moment, as if to figure out if what he was seeing was real or not. Just as suddenly, Dean had an armful of the angel was Castiel launched his way into him. “Dean!”

Dean gripped his best friend tightly before pulling away, not wanting the embrace to last a gay amount of time. 

“Hey, Cas,” he responded, giving a slight smile.

Cas beamed at him, bright blue eyes shining. “I was wondering when you’d show up!”

“I’m here now, buddy.”

Castiel looked sheepish for a moment. “So. Dean. We should talk about what I said last time.” 

“Oh, Cas,” Dean sighed. “We really don’t have to, I know you thought you were going to Gay Hell for me and that you’d never see me again.”

“No, but I want to, Dean,” Cas responded smoothly. “Maybe I thought that at the time, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you to know. And now we are together again.”

Castiel moved to take his hand and the skin on skin contact felt too raw, too real for Dean. He wanted more but knew that if he didn’t want to go to Homosexual Hell, he would have to resist. 

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean replied softly, pulling his hand away. “I can’t. Only straight people get to stay here. We have to be HeteroBros.”

“But Dean, don’t you know?” Castiel asked, moving his hands toward the inner pocket of his tench coat and pulling out a calendar. “Don’t you know that time works differently up here? Look what day it is.”

Dean looked toward the calendar and saw that the day was October 26. At closer inspection, he saw that every day was October 26. National No Homo Day.

He never moved so quickly in his life, and swiftly took Castiel’s angelic lips to his own before even having a chance to second guess it. this was allowed. Every day could be National No Homo Day here. This was Heterosexual™️ heaven.

**Author's Note:**

> i swear i write better than this but honestly i barely put any effort into this and it still came out better than the series finale. pls remember this is satire and that i am just as trash as everyone else for watching the finale. sorry to jensen ackles for thinking he just hated it cause it was gonna be gay. you’re still a homophobe but i’m sorry for doubting your reasoning.


End file.
